Owl For President

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Using the Corporate model to solve our Family issues

Often, when watching Republicans talk, I hear "We need to balance the budget because our family has to live within one, and so should any entity, including the government. Government is a business, and like a family, must live within it's means."

Ok. well, thank you. I was confused as to how to run things in my personal life, which is inevitably influenced by and affected as a result of the government. Having considered it, I now realize that I should treat my family and friends like members of a corporation.

From now on, I will view families as companies and my views shall be radically affected by economic as opposed to humanist theories. As a result, here's some advice for folks with large families:

1.If money is getting tight, rather than scrimping on things like movies for yourselves (and maybe your husbands/wives), instead, give the kids less food for lunch. If you have a lot of kids, and they start complaining, cut off the kid that instigates the complaints the most and simply stop feeding him.

2. Regardless of how much they have done, contributed, acted honestly or done their homework, inform your 16 year olds that you need to streamline the family to obtain "more productive hours" and that they can opt for 100 dollars, leave forever and cease attending family functions, or accept half as much food for now, and pay rent, or find themselves out on the street in the former situation. Remind them that, regardless of what they have done or have agreed to, it is your prerogative to disown them at any time.

3.Demand sex from your husbands/wives based on a contractual obligation, rather then "spiritual communion."

4.When things are getting tight, inform your neighbors you are having a "family investment" meeting, in which they can buy stock in your family. Forget about loans, in this strategy, you simply imply to your neighbors that if they invest 10 bucks right now, they MIGHT make 2 more dollars by the end of a calender year! Or, they might lose 4 dollars: who knows!

5.commit crimes that enrich your family, and when the police come, simply announce, "we all did it." And you will be released and pay no fines personally! some examples:
a.Dump oil into the sewer outside your house, polluting the water with viscus oil. When the cops come, say, "we all did it," and invoke your right to Limited Liability.
b.Steal money from the neighbors' piggy banks, when the cops come, say, "the thefts were made at the behest of a family committee, we were simply following our roles as they had been established by the corporate contract contained within marriage."
c.Having followed #4, take that money and give 60% of it to charity, and then declare that you don't owe any taxes! After all, all that money people "invested" in you is money you EARNED (by your slick talk), and so, you DESERVE to not pay taxes by giving it to some "charity" that actually gets barely 20% to the needy parties, the rest going to the folks that run the place, their landlords, etc.

6.When it looks like it's going to be hard to pay both for food and rent and medical bills for all the kids, inform your kids that from now on, if they are not in the house 18 hours of every day, working harder than their European counterparts at their chores , they lose parental health care benefits. In fact, make them co-pay now, and make sure that it is their allowance PLUS a few dollars from their current job outside the house.

See? If we just apply Corporate philosophies to our families, we may come out with a few fewer kids, some angry ones and a few unfair imbalances in terms of fun and entertainment, but so what? I'm sure the same goes for the reverse: applying family values to corporate financial structures is a valid and efficient formula for economic revitalization. NOT.

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